To be or not to be...angsty

Thank God I am not a teenager anymore.

But I remember the fight against the world, rail against the system, and, for God's sake, be anything but what my parent's want me to be attitude.  It's how we get to this...being.

IN-dividualized.  Not able to be divided.

I was a high-school teacher for 12 years from the ages of 20-32.

I always liked the rebels...who can forget Zar with his mohawk and leather jacket sitting in the bottom shelf of the bookcase trying to get a rise out of me...It looked uncomfortable...but what did I care...He starred me down.  I smiled a half smile...comfy? Yea.  Ok.

I walked away and kept teaching while silently laughing to myself, catching out of the corner of my eye him sliding around trying to really be comfortable with his neck jarring his head towards his chest and insisting on answering questions so everyone would look his way...

It seemed cool to begin with...he was an individual and unique...and also too damn smart to stay stuffed in the box for more than 5 minutes.  Shagrinned he went back to his desk. I looked at him...didn't say a word...it wasn't that comfortable he mumbled.  I smiled. Better?  Yeah.  He looked up and found no measure of judgement , he sat up and the gleam that got him to the shelf in the first place came back.  We smiled together.  He was glad he had at least tried.  

I wasn't that much older than him...and Lord knows I had more phases in high school and changed them faster than Clark Kent in a phone booth.  I went from skater...I hit pavement and decided that wasn't for me. Cowgirl full get-up with ropers, decided I hated the way the jeans rode up when I sat down.  Grunge...it was easy, shirts were huge...then I got a crush and realized the Eddie Vedder look did nothing for me.  Went vampy with low cut shirts and short mini's...couldn't do all my crazy monkey antics without tearing the hose...went Mod...softer, with clunky shoes...stayed that way until I realized I loved Led Zepplin and commiserated with Janis.  Started beading and wearing bell bottoms...same shoes...Got my first tatoos out of high school started wearing overalls by day and sexy silk dresses by night.  Fell in love with swing dancing, flipped and everything with the high heel mary janes and retro dresses.  Went to San Francisco started salsa dancing.  Moved to Tahoe, became a ski bunny and wore high heel boots in the ice that weren't functional...hit pavement.  Moved to the foothills became a writer, ran in the rain like Pochahantas.   Moved to Maui...wore florescents and ditched my bra...hell ran naked on the beach at sunrise to drums.  Became a sweat lodge momma and reconnected with my great great grandmothers.  Wore moccasin boots...fell in love with country dresses and braids just to make it back at 38 citified slightly angsty teen loves tatoos, black, and red nail polish...

And I...I realize that it's all me and every person I meet is a facet of those adventures in self-hood.

Now it's just a matter of choice...what other persona could I try on...in the end the center stays the same.  It's all just costumes...I love costumes.

I think about Zar with his mohawk desire to fight the system and the day he sat in the shelf...did that persona become a box...did it get uncomfortable...has he changed or in that moment of extreme selfness...did he hit the target first try and that get up has defined his entire life?  He would be 28 today.

As much as I want not to be my parents...I see my mother smile and strike up conversations with every stranger in her radius joy flashing...oh...that's me.  I watch my dad outside under a tree with a content smile on his face...yup that's me...and dressing up for an Opera...that's me...as much as barefoot in jeans hands in the dirt is.

And I realize...being individualized is being a part of the whole.  Being whole is having many individual parts of ourselves...all of which we have allowed to flourish and love...and as I collect myself together from the ancient past to my own past, I again realize that there are still two  more of my life times to go and rather than getting boxed into one part of myself...I'll take them all and everyone who represents some part of me...I honor the medicine of that part of me is easy to take and like and that part I'll deny...instead I'll take them as my friends and relatives...befriending every part of myself...and being grateful for my human family...because it is all so fun and we are all in this becoming unique unable to be divided from Source core energy journey....together.

Thanks for being you.