This is a poem. I wrote it starting from the back of a journal forward one poem per day. Wyrd it makes sense forward, like life lived in reverse:
EGO mind can not heal itself—silly monkeys. Get out of your own way. Side step then slide along visions into feeling the deepest part of heart where dreams and memory reside. Let Spirit enter the field and follow the energy to the place where the greatest healing is needed.
Remember, you said yes.
I did! To what?🙄
Yes, I remember but the question was vague. Remind me of the context.
Too late! You already said ,yes.
I did...so whatever the question...I agree with your directions. I agree. Whatever it was you asked of me, the answer is yes.
Zonia? Will you?
Yes. See...It’s like that this life I’m living.
So, with my life in the greater hands of Universe, I go to the beach draw a spiral in the sand and tell Love it’s in charge
Aphrodite arrives in all her costumes and many faces. They wear sparkles, rainbow colors, bhindis, flowy dresses and harem pants. They smile, giggle, dance in the sand, sing, praise, and pray like I do at night when the guests have gone or are sleeping.
And though the outer ring is my home the inner circle is spiraling through all the places I’ve lived and people I know connecting stars in the sky and together we awaken to what we sometimes forget
the very places where we hide is what spirit will ask us to Dis-play.
As in life is a stage and dis de play of how we all come back together—find your monkey hands.
As in, Hi Monkey Friend, wanna hold hands?
My heart is open, so soft. Melt into it. I'll hold you. How long before you feel held? How long before you let go into and release everything you hold onto?
What if the very things you love and protect are keeping more love from entering? The walls-the barriors-the divisions-the us and them that stand between me and you...
I quiver at the vulnerable state of EXPOSED and left wide OPEN. Easy target for arrows. Unprotected.
Let the arrows fly. Arms wide. Send them into me, pierce my heart that I may bleed for the Earth Mother, Sacred Heart. Relinquish victim mentality and stories of why it is OUR RIGHT to cause suffering or else swim lost in the past when the PRESENT is the place for dreaming a new future. Life circles and flows in on the SEED OF REMEMBRANCE.
I remember when love was all we needed and Earth Mother provided beauty in abundance. A WELL SPRING OF DIVINE FLOW A RIVER RUNNING THROUGH IT. It? Your heart.
This is my home--CORAZON in the jungle SANCTUARY tucked away. Blow the conch in your humble heart, tend the fire, dance your temple dance to all the people of this land, honor and pray for ASSISTANCE, To take in and morph with love the heaven inside us sings choruses like angels to vibrate the field of connectivitiy KNOWING UNIVERSAL CONCEPTS flow freely.
Symbology-mythology- no, says Tony, LEGENDS. The key to the MAP OF CONSTELLATIONS star beings on spaceship traversing the GALAXY towards our beginning is where all things end. END CONFLICT on LOVE MAKE AGREEMENTS start today tolove people and places more than things.
Are you hiding in the jungle, Zonia?
No...I dont' know...maybe...a little.
Resting. Recovery. Recentering. TOTALLY ALIGNING with NATURE. My nature and the natural flow of things as they exist in space. Time is a loop closing in on itself.
Hiding? Escaping consuming technology and need. Trusting land and spirit that brought me here to heal the hearts I pray for UNIFICATION and PEACE a return to meaning. Out of the hold of infinite want is the palce of PURE CONTENTMENT.
LOVE REIGNS here in my heart is the HAND OF GOD at work.
How can I trust more? Serve the children in the truest way I can. Eye to eye. Heart to heart. We pray to God. God's little children bow heads to the ground and mother hears them and her helpers rise to meet us as the angels descend and interdimensional beings step forward.
Prayer to a HIGHER POWER. Elevate my thoughts to SPIRIT CONNECTION. Multi-layered. Multi-dimensional. Help me see the love you are that exists inside and everywhere may it blossom and flower.
Muchas Gracias. Bienvenidos. A grateful welcoming spirit as in OPEN TO RECIEVE the truth of people OPEN TO ACCEPT your BEINGNESS.
Your presence is LIFE ALTERING because you are not just here but EVERYWHERE all at once and you know where people are COMING FROM and WHERE THEY ARE GOING. It's not the same place. It's not linear but is is COLLECTIVE. Collect together the CONSCIOUSNESS of you and fill it with your life of understanding and compassion.
Quan Yin feminine recepticle touch lightly. Let them rise to meet you at the center watching then stop and turn all your stones over to the ultimate knower above all time and place from a HIGHER PLANE OF EXISTENCE.
The flower has many petals each with their own texture and fragrance attached to stem it roots down to Earth in the ground squirmies and crawlies loosen soil for nurtients to nourish and the seed reaches for light rain falls a collection of evaporated ocean drops whale song dolphin play. Rainbow lit clouds that bless us with WATER BIRD angel and currents taht dance back and forth. Bird wing to running jaguar mergin SOURCE connects us to ONE EARTH MOTHER BEATING STEADFAST.
Hit the drum at the center of fire is prayer and contract within to deepest lave flowing magma. Volcanic planet. Vapors. Waters. Life.
Mermaid dreams sunlight shafts from teh dpets we crave to land where seeds sprouts and oxygen breathes us alive. We see stars rotating planets RISE AND FALL constellations BIRTH Orion rides Pegasus towards horizon night sky. We dream with moons and tides. Push and pull until we have stretched contracted back to still center creation creator ORIGIINATION SINGULARITY pulse parts and particles collide coalesce and you are in the spaces between waiting listening watching.
Stop obsessing about other. In this moment there is only you, saves, crickets and darkness. Find the space between worlds words are not the way feeling is the only ally it drops you down to your feet. Walk. From here to there. Don’t look around to know if you have been observed or walk in a way to be noticed. It is merely TRANSPORTATION but enjoy the sultry journey.
Soon I'll be in other palces with other people and what path will I take?
Home is where you long for the sounds rhythm of life. You love all its parts like lover you laugh to take it all in and struggle to let go the psyche dwells on lives that aren't yours. Your life is the one you claim and only your heart knows words don't explain verses and love knows the way.
Diosita, Madre. Mia. Love. Expect to be loved. Find your power in CONTENTEDNESS as in enough. Be wise enough to see who is manipulating you for money and then got he way of Love. see with SPIRITUAL EYES. They see not the exterior but the actions of the embrace genuinine SOUL. Be held in love and love holds you clsoe enough to comfort you.
Deepest ease. Rest.
Diosita, teach me how to hold people softly so they can surrender tot he love that is here. Lo siento, sometimes fucked up shit happens but we are also blessed, gifted, spiral beyond memory to know the greatest presence is the gift of our true selves as in heart to heart, it is nice to know you.
Diosita, how can I have more love for the yogini festival goddesses whose dopplegangers intimidated my little girl soft spirit who ran to the jungle for peace and anonimity? Triggered. I do love them and adore their beautiful hearts.
Soften. Relax. It's not them. It's me. Well--maybe both. Two ends of circles closing in. Trust more. Hold softer. They will allow themselves to be held.
Letting go into the love that is surrounding us. Dissolving barriors. Question being: Did I not say I wish to be a part of? Only if I can still retain my soft center. Softly enjoying youth beauty and the feminine to share gifts without fear.
Do you as a Goddess still have moments of insecurity? I know so many that do. Dolli says in those moments she closes her eyes and focuses on her center. There she finds the love for what she does and she SINGS because she loves it. So loving to her soul self to not withhold her gift in any way not from herself or others. The gift is you. It is your life. If you follow it, it leads to blessings.
The road is paved in flowers bhindis and color. Wrap yourself in beauty.
Get soft. Soft enough for your heart to LISTEN TO THE EARTH. Open hearted. Shining. Encompass that which surroudn you like a globe of sky water land swirling atmosphere floating in space. Small. So small is our solar planet rotating edge of galaxy cherished in the Universe. What do we have to prove to selves or others? The system of BIODIVERSITY we lean into and are supported by the ancestors now dust.
Step forward now, softly, softer still, softer than your've ever been. ALLOW heart in hands and bend int he ocean breeze sway to the quiet heart family. Sisters. Brothers. All together under heavens on Earth. Listen with your heart and let your head go that it may be easy and fall into PEACE.
Si accepto. Si accepto. Si accepto. Accepto mi familia. Accepto mis amigos. Accepto mi Cora-Zonia-cita, mi mente, vida, deciones. Accepto. Accepto todo.
Zonia, do you accept your path and place? Si, accepto because it is full of heart and barefeet.
Its effortless when you factor in your COMFORT in skin not to say there aren't days when self is conscious and soul wants to hoola on the beach but little girl tucks her head, no me mieras.
I hear the trap and often times my inner mother strokes my hair, Love, do it because it makes you happy get IMMERSED in the experience and if people start watching PERFORM MIRACLES attention focused on core group praying for the voice of God to speak.
Letting go of vanity and beauty which are the pursuits of youth for the study of surrender and peace with cycles of time. To be at ease in roles of gender, age, practice whatever shape or form you be in whatever devotion you have filled your heart with, people will in time see that as your greatest quality.
Presence with self. Peace with life. Acceptance of body. KIND where there is no competition there is no winning, there is only you as you are dling not as performance or costume but as self loving what self does. Your life becomes an extention of these pathways of experiences. Times meandering ways.
Full circle. Not travelling. Visiting. Willing to be seen. Not willing to be someone other than this me at ease in private unobserved moments self witnessing self and what it loves. In agreement with SOURCE ENGERY depends on who you view as the Source of Life beyong SELF as Soul is Soul of World but little me connects down Mother Earth loves her children of which I am one.
In a world of SELF CENTERED people what impels us to action is clearly visible and happy peaceful PARALLEL PLAY is possible compelled form an inner impulse towards sea, contemplation, movment and ALLOWING SELF TO CENTER awareness on this impuls trains God guided Soul directed. When we describe SELF here let it be COLLECTIVE SELF EXPRESSING. All perfectly don. Love you's. "I" can only do one thing at a time but "WE" accomplish so much more. All super lovable. I love my "selves"
Sunrise bursting rays over palm tree victorious breath run beach to ocean little pink fluffy coulds 360 degrees of beautiful from ocean floating back morning perfect no witness except my soul who birthed me.
Thank you, Mother. How can I be perfectly me and oh so in love with the life we breathe alive? Stay in heart and give rise to dreams bird song running runs into oceans and soft woman meditate on life's beginning which is every day. Time is a gift of knowing love is the water falling from the sky.
You can't compete with anyone over self-creation, expression, and expansion.
How do you know who will be your best lover?
Well, it will be the person who lvoes you best, sees you clearly, puts you at ease with you. You at ease is open. You open is expressive. You expressive is expansive. You expanding is creating you which is orgasm. SELF CREATING SELF CIRCULAR ENEGERY from mulhadhara to crown ECSTASY all chakras open, not 7, infinitely. Don't get caught in a aclosed system trying to recreate experience. EXPERIENCE something new. Every time. Every person. Every you and you is a state of discovery. Wonder.
Behold your senses. IMPRINT experience of smell, touch, taste fully take int eh energy of shared. Dissolved boundaries skin touch skin breathe pores and join electromagnetic resonance. Pulse together. Along front. Back to front. Extention of each other. Dance energy.Birth the Universe inside you. Love is Lover and touches you everywhere especially the heart.
How can we make it easier? How can we allow love to enter effortlessly? How can we surrender to bliss? How can we feel held? Safe? To act on natural impulse express heart turth and love this cellular memories of body feeling elements and passing mooncycles? What is at the center? the fixed compass set in the direction of travel always inside.
Where were you born? In a lodge made of Earthen Clay on indegenous lands with my family, I travel through the firepit as thunderbird and arise as water bird in Mexican cove green like jade with visions of sunset to sunrise and the moon, its path of sun is a cross.
I've been sitting silence seeking nothing. Not words or outer concepts. Just listening. Enjoying the peace of mind not narrating. Creator God orchstrating my life calling my spirit to places and feelings inside of myself attentive connections without apology changing eas in sanctuary housing heart. Touch spirit in the flesh according to inclination. Feel loved beyond measure for being and experience infinite love.
Prayer of for the loved ones who pass under hand let go of rejection, release shame connect in compassion and pray dream manifestation and always sit silence after asking, that is to ask, only to ask, always to ask.
In the unknown beyond our mind and thinking lives MAGIC. IT EXISTS NOT IN ANSWERS but in QUESTIONS and Mexico, it heals the heart.
Sitting on the rooftop in the Mexican Riviera listening to the waves lap as the sun rises over jungle building and people stroll on the beach.
I think about my prayer that began as I left the Sierras, resurrect me. What did that even mean? The phrase came from a place deep within that began to ask me to remember it. What had I forgotten?
Seems I had been telling stories of remembrance for so long I couldn’t imagine who or what I was referring to but I kept the mantra in my heart and realized that was it’s place of origination.
Our place of origination. Where “it” all begins.
People ask me often to tell them my story, and I think about the many journals of my healing work yoga sequences recorded post class and little snippets of journeys from the Russian senile princess in London to my dear friend with Lou Gerrigs disease in Maui and the little sanctuary to which visitors come where jungle meets the sea.
In this moment, it is quiet.
What happens in between is breath. It’s yoga. It’s a lot of...wonder. I wonder what will happen today? I wonder what the hell I was thinking when...?
My eyes open in the morning...ooo Iwonder what today will bring and my dreams? Are they still the same? Does my heart still remember where it came from?
My mother and her country of origination is my heart. My father and his straight arrows into the future is my mind. My blood is a band of gypsies from the Mediterranean who crossed seas and imprenanted Indians from both north and south. My spirit is an aloha flower behind my ear and she came to life in 12 hour walks and spirit guided regressions back to the place of yoga where prayer births a flower princess naked under water falls out of volcanos and swims with whales and sea turtles.
Every trip to Mexico is a resurrection. The cyclic ebb and flow of ocean waves brings tides of eternity and stories circle with cricket chirping night time lullabies and dreams...they come to me lucid dreaming in the jungle.
And what is it that is resurrecting in me?
Its full moon, semana santa, and I can’t sleep.
La Luna esta llamando me.
I awaken and pass the dining hall several times while I try to figure out what I wanna do to pass the midnight hours.
A small couch, my Mar de Jade family all crowded head to head staring at a little phone screen. I smile and laugh, locos.
I go up to the yoga hall. Yoga? Nah. I light incense get bored. Leave. Walk down the stairs. They are still there.
I go to the temple hall....tap tap my feet breathe swing my arms a bit...no inner song tonight. She is awake but quiet. I light incense and stand in front of Quan Yin where I place my phone.
Suddenly I know what I wanna do...leave it behind and run in my sarong wrapped in a blanket towards the ocean glowing white wave fingers curling towards the long pull wave leaving a huge canvas of sand. My little heart giggles and I walk two steps up two step down two steps up two steps down I see a zig zag snake and my little feet keep going to the spiral tail end and then circle it a giant heart with a fish hook and...
Hey! There they are! At the steps! I wave at my friends in the dining hall where they stand watching.
Hey! Come play with me!
They scatter...boo...but I see a heart hanging at the end of the fish hooks and I jump image to image so as not to destroy the pattern and with glee begin the mermaid tail that leads to the torso of woman holding out heart and a male merman hand out stretched receiving as opening as giving. It is mutual and I finish to return to the spiral and watch the moon begin it’s set over ocean mother.
I begin my return and out of the shadows a figure appears and a male voice approaches I contract and scatter, realizing I am receiving an answer to the question I have had since I overcame my midlife crisis and went opposite direction to believing my true desire now to live free.
I realize I could have moments like this one with partnership and not fear the male in the dark. I run up to my room and hear the mantra..”Love is a protection.”
I sit to meditate and the meaning of it flows through my open heart. The meaning of which, love can save us from ourselves. It can save us from our endless consumptions lists selfish paths. Love can protect us. It can be the angelic wings that support us. It can be the courage in our hearts to begin again...to end.
Love can protect us from ourselves and from those who would enslave us for their own purposes. Love is freedom.
I will bring this realization to breakfast where I will sit with my friend, tell her my story and end it with the drunk man under the hammocks. She will return to the reception desk where they will be telling a story about a ghost in a cape that was walking back and forth on the beach and tried to talk to them so they ran back to their room and Alicia will laugh and say Hah ha that was Zonia and she will tell them about the drunk man who will end up being our friend Krispy who the group sent and who was scared hiding by the hammocks...
Bah ha ha ha❣️
Todos locos! Including me!
”In my defense it was full moon and I was left unattended”
Las phantasmas de la mente.
We are all running from them and running towards something we believe will keep us safe.
I have many friends who are new moms and they are ragged with worry. They worry they won’t love right. That somehow they will get mothering wrong.
Their greatest fear is that their child will cry, even worse that they will have caused it or be unable to comfort it.
I’ll smile. I have heard this many times which now leads me to realize something all mothers are afraid to share that it’s normal. It’s normal to feel guilty inadequate afraid. It’s normal to want to keep loved ones safe but it is also impossible.
I will think about this with my fairy client who is on sebatical in the jungle. I’ll tell her you’ll never know if you are doing it right. I tell her all you can do is love and trust Love. Leave the blessings to God.
They will come. So will the tears and disappointments and heartbreak and firsts. Some of which you will not be there for. That’s another hard one. The witnessing.
Of course there will be many shared moments but if your child is lucky they will also have moments during which they can self realize...become self aware. Hear their guidance have space to follow where it leads and understand how to move their right hand and then their left.
In reality, the greatest experiences that youth leads up to will not be with you and can you allow that love?
Will that guidance system teach them to follow their energy to source connection and trust where it will lead them. Perhaps to backback Nepali Coasts, definitely to fall in love. First kiss. First sex. First making love. And will you have taugh them to be free in those things? Will they love their bodies. Will they love their mind? Will they love their impulses? Their spirit? Their choices? Will they learn to trust? Will they learn what we are all learning?
To love? To protect? To be courageous? To walk in the moon? To rise in the dark?
A thing like this takes time. A thing like this takes patience. A thing like this takes faith.
Zonia? How do you know where my pain?
A client will ask me this and I will look at her inquisitively and she will feel silly so that later In the night after Ive thought about this question she will find me reenacting the beach scene ghosts and drunk men for Amber at the bar and my two new friends hummingbird and glitter bug.
I’ll see her and tell her it’s a good question and that I don’t have an intellectual reply for an intuitive experience.
I’ll reenact sessions and show them me dancing the body and smelling oils going to find them mixing them for each client special amounts special circumstances, their ligaments, joints, the empathetic touch that is my own relief so I know together we breathe sigh I feel better so I know they do and the tomes I can feel a client trying to make something happens their expectation for healing so high their belief that grace should hurt or tears must come instead there’s laugher or better peace in receptivity. The times I’ll stop touching people because they are so confused and overwhelmed so in their head about what should happen that they track my hands and try to beat me to the move when in fact I’m moving with spirit and they haven’t told me yet so I start over at the foot.
Start over with flowers.
If you came to me with a spiritual emotional intention what would it be? If you believed Love really wants to give you what you want but you had to ask, what would it be?
Is it relief from the shoulder or the grief in the lung point I can feel pulsing under my hands? Is it the place in your neck with words you can not utter but long to hear that radiates heat and calls me to it like a magnet?
Communion. Union. Harmony. How can we work together for the results we all long for? How can we make it easier this letting pain go which holds us to past?
How can we instead fall in love with future?
I’ll ask this as I wander home in the sunlight
and my phone will stay with Quan Yin four days
so that I am untethered to WiFi. I will go where it does not reach to find my coworker needing a hug and the ocean where the water holds me.
Phones don’t reach but in all these moments I will feel the hands I hold holding me. I will think of people their smiles especially the ones hoping the way I feel is real. Do you really love me? Yes. I will remember you, I say.
I’ll remember where we left off which hopefully will be like the day we met. Open armed. Big smiles. Before the session. After the session. Magic. It happens because we are so open. Stay that way. Know you need not be careful with me. My real friends know I will laugh when I tumble from the paddleboard doing cartwheels in the wave, that I’ll lose my purse and everything in it many times, that they should keep one of the keys, that I’ll be running and laughing, dance under stars leave conversations return forget myself remember myself stay up all night sleep early jump in the ocean in my clothes to swim with dolphins and always touch them if they stand close enough.
I will remember as I read an early book by Wayne Dyer about the sacred self a thought I had weeks before I arrived.
When the jungle and sea take me, I don’t want the phone I’ve left with Quan Yin. I never do. I’ve lost relationships over this as I stand in my heart request for presence breath dream days unfolding forever day by day as I change in relation to people whose life touches me.
How did it used to be? When I could hold people in my heart and not text every minute day week. How did those friendships last? How was it when we just knew the thinking was the knowing and we were held in mutuality? How was when we just lived? And I will read a passage by Dyer warning us twenty years ago that if we continued to rely on technology for connection we would lose that which separated our ancestors from many today. A warning that what would be lost is telepathy. Conscious connection through the ethers. And I think about the necks of clients who come in. Collapsing occipital ridges, steel cable sternocledos shortened neck muscles from technology slump. I’ll think about telepathy the indigenous connection communication and evolutionary leaps...backslides. If we collapse the back of our skulls in 20 years and pass on the habits to children from birth am I witnessing the change of a species? Will we collapse the doorway in the notch at the base of the head exposed during prayer chin down that yogananda referred to the doorway to god? Information Age.
Its not a physical problem, it’s a spiritual one.
Too much thought, not enough knowing.
What do we need to know?
That we are loved. That the source of it is God. That there is a creative force greater than ourselves. That it’s way is beauty, that it’s gift is grace and that we can just breathe it. Believe it into the depths of our cells that remember we are made of stars and constellation sunbeams and earth she is our mother blooming flowers and kissing us in butterfly wings and that the only thing that separates us from her are the things we put in front of her, as in think is more important than but in truth our lives depend on her and her ways are beauty.
Put yourself in the path of beauty. Let the gratitude rise to meet her and the spirit that descends let it be soft like starlight and accept being touched by compassion and feel into your heart the truth that connection it is here and it is close as breath.
Healer, Spiritual Advisor, Yogini, Mentor