People ask me often how I keep the dreaming alive inside me. To be honest, there are periods of time when it dims and I can’t see very clearly, but I was lucky enough to be raised by a seeet Mexican woman who’s smile lights up the room and who’s warm hands send love through your entire being.
Though the rest of the family is not, in her private heart and spiritual practice she is a paradaisical Jehovah’s Witness (the opposite of what I call armageddonites focused on destruction and judgement.) So from birth my mother raised me looking at happy pictures of paradise with people of all tribes races living in harmony with the earth and animals. She taught me to develop a deeply personal relationship with god and to pray from my heart, then trust what that god directed me to do. She taught me to believe in angels and that those angels would direct us to people who needed hope, comfort, and love.
I did pray deeply with this being who’s name my own studies taught me was a verb, an active force creating me and everything for a purpose. In my own ponderings on creator force I saw it powerful enough to create the sun and wise enough to put things in motion with mathematical precision. I studied life on this earth and the forces that have to exist in perfection for there to be human beings and this gave me profound appreciation for life.
In my state of wonder I met and mentored with a yogic chiropractor acupuncturists ak Bach flower remedy using energy and emotion in spine in accordance with diet and spiritual awareness married with real truth seeking questions and the ability to laugh at nonsensical teachings teacher. He was my best friends dad. Through that teacher I came to the power of body and it’s intrinsic complex beauty.
There came a time in my life when I realized I didn’t want to wait for some future time when god would make paradise happen, I wanted to go back to nature and it was at that time my first Native American teacher came to me.
She twined me spiritually to my vision and taught me to trust what I saw. We did month long fasts and meditations. And soon that force, guiding me since birth, directed me to give away all my belongings and put on a backpack.
There were of course many factors in my physical, spiritual, emotional healing that gave me the courage to do so, but also there was a fearlessness and trust that surely something beautiful would be waiting for me.
I would say that 15 years of traveling has given me the greatest gift of all. The pleasure of meeting infinite amounts of people who share the childhood dream I was raised to cherish. I encounter them all the time and usually when my traveling is tiring me, I feel depleted or miss my home community in the Sierra Nevadas.
In the moments that I am feeling deluded by myself thinking I’ve been doing something, I will meet the next generation or a thriving community of people with like minds all desiring some sort of utopian answer to our disconnected technological driven consumeristic world. Then I feel, hey we have done something! I believe the next generation will revitalize and reinvigorate the older generation and continue to awaken, reawaken and energize us. What a victory! To our quest they will add varying beliefs and strengths beyond new age towards embodiment of the material.
There is a generation, like myself, who have been devoted to health of body mind and spirit and who, in the beginning, had to push so hard against firewalls designed to keep us in containers.
Especially your own. Push boundaries. Grow. Learn. Discover. Be undefined by dogmasbut forever inspired by ideals of the best kind.
Freedom. Joy. Creativity. Integrity. Love. Forgiveness.
In the past year, having given so much time to the life of others, I had a physical collapse that lead to injury. At the same time major beloveds who had travelled with me through lifes uncertain journeys repartnered. During this deep period, which came just as I was coming out of communal isolation and disassociation from group think and social media, caused me to recocoon.
It has been a genuine gift to me. As I steadily go inward, dreams arise out of my subconscious. As I awake there is a sun in my heart, awareness and awakening in places that, for whatever reason, I’d closed and fallen into slumber. As this she awakens, she feels welcomed and loved by current self.
I can only think to accredit this to my recent reignited love of Jungian philosophy and Marion Woodman who is not of a new age era.
In the midst of a desire to grow I began to meditate upon those unexplored parts of self and remembered every part of life is a passing phase. Some are more fun than others. Some are so meaningful and, for my part defining.
I will call the years to come the Olive years. Life after all the love my brother, ex-sister-in-law, many grandparents and I invested into children now grown. The next generation confidently have arrived at a place in their life when they have family, love, home and the first new baby in 20 years.
That the time from ending my teaching careeer to following spirit journeys yogic twists and bends along the past and basic confrontation of everything I question about my mothers religion has birthed another generation.
Who will each of us be to her after so many reevaluations experiments mistakes excursions adventures brave choices changes and going back to the beginning? She will meet an amalgam of all ourselves combined and influenced by each other reflections and, of course, family jokes.
When I struck out on my own, I devoted myself to world religions, certain there was a common desire from all these cultures that would bring them together, and in them I found a humble desire for love and communion, a healthy desire to thrive and for families to be safe and protected, with a spiritual belief that they are loved by the force that put everything in motion.
I also went headlong into shamanism and relationship with unseen spirits. For me I had allowed angelic direction to guide me and why would t that happen worldwide to many people for the best of reasons, relief, confirmation in spirits presence and action in our life.
Then there was relationship with the seen world the elements the plants the animals people. That together we comprise life on earth and a harmonious relationship with these things is a harmonious planet in complement to one another, supporting future and wellbeing for all. It is a knowing that those who walked before us and ensured our existence have a perspective to share and wisdom to guide. That together old and new, seen and unseen, the future can be pabed ahead of us based on current today decisions.
Finally, I questioned sexuality and repression of natural urges. Eventually having passed through desire and lust to passion friendship personal boundaries understanding freedom of sexual expression is exactly what feels good in your heart body mind and can not exist separately because of the psychic schism that occurs when heart mind and body are not in agreement. As in encounters void of love, out of mind but body used, and anything attempting to please someone else or fill an emotional gap that only spirit and self creation can bring you to higher elevations of love consciousness.
It is all a journey to knowing beyond family, culture and religion has implanted but in the end, most guidelines are supplied with the understanding that there are predators there are those who would manipulate us into servitude, there are selfish beings who would attempt to twist love and we must get stronger in our hearts to remember not what provided temporary pleasure but lasting gems that we can treasure for life.
For everything in our life there is a time to know for yourself what is true. Do it from a place of self love and there will be less regrets and in the end when one phase blends into the other and you have grown, even those will dissipate.
The great teachers of your life to whom you are no victim but wild choosing and eventually making the round back to what is love, the dream world, the happy world where nightmare choices and dramas fade into old systems of thought and shedded costumes for lighter days of celebration and true you.
No barriers, no fear, no judgement.
Acceptance. This is true forgiveness. Live what made you. Love it. Believe in a higher power. Trust yourself to be loving. Trust others to love you.Know there are no accidents. Put your mind on your life. Lose your mind. Open your heart. Rebirth.
Stand in the sun. Feel natural water on your face. Breathe deep. Hold hands. Walk under the stars. Sit around the fire. Laugh at your own foibles and observe your own cuckoo. It’s ok, we can all relate. Love each other through imperfection, know it’s what makes life so valuable. That our one life is hard enough to power organize, contemplate who is the a awesome force that put it all in motion. Who blesses us with sunrise, sunset?
Look your dad in his deep peering Native American Vietnam landmine surviving amputee seeing right into your soul eye.
Know he raised you to be virginal. Tell him youre wild. Explain what men want and how a woman frees herself from caring. Show him your heart. Embrace your mother and the innocence of her spirit. Put it back in your own heart, retain freedom.
Remember you love puppies and babies. Remember your romantic heart monotony and commitment make you blossom. Stand for family and healing. Give to people when you have nothing to show for it but the wealth god allows to flow through you to them. Realize you have everything.
Your calling is expensive.
Breathe a heavy sigh for success that doesn’t necessarily bred wealth. It’s nice to be understood.
Its bigger than you what calls you to travel to help strangers.
Assure him you are in your heart and not to fear for you. You are as strong as he wanted you be, but maybe more than he ever knew possible. Have him reaffirm that he knows who you are and what you have done. Good bad and ugly. Love unconditionally. See his aging heart feel deep peace.
Be in your body. Love your body. It’s yours. It’s the vehicle for all your experience. Painful and all the running trails climbing mountains rehabilitating joints and spine one tear at a time, repair. Do it again. One day at a time climb yourself and those you love out of holes and then watch their little seed sprout and know it’s all been worth it. All the tires gave you all the amazing. All the hard made your teong. All the weak gave you god.
So live a little. Live a lot.
Know there are healthy vibrant choices filled with laughter and self development. Use your mental capabilities to imagine this you happier than you ever have been. Then follow the path to that you calling you to flamenco dancing red lipstick full moon ocean dancing with your best friends and then do it alone when no one is watching. Do it for the elements. Do it for your heart. For your family. Do it as if what happens in private for one person affects the whole world. Give it your light willingly give it your life and trust in the end all the things people places you let go of will all be loved held celebrated including you.
Know you will disappoint others and yourself. Dust yourself off. Say sorry. Mean it. Think about what to do differently. Then get on with it. Do it better every time.
Spiral in. Spiral back out. Inhale open. Exhale, no really exhale, stop bracing against the spaciousness of empty. Leave room to move. Your things will never fulfill the spirits longing to outgrow your body until one day you fly free...like the eagles, the hawks, the winged Pegasus.
Dream in magical terms. Believe in everything good coming. Tread carefully around cautionary tales because life is fragile but trust your allies and guides. You got this. Make a come back from injury of all sorts.
There is is no alternative. Add hoops fire and lots of dancing to paradise and find others creating the same reality. Join forces. We have done something. The dream is alive and moving everywhere we are alive.
Real life is better than dreams.
There is no substitute for personal practice, also known as you experiencing what you feel like in your body, what you think and taking time in a private space to put your attention on it.
Where you quiver is where you need to get stronger. Move with fixed attention.
Practice. Get stronger.
Come to the boundary. Don’t pass it, just hold. A working posture. Joint stability. Don’t move.
Contract. Use your muscles, not to pull but to stay, keep loose with breath. Relax into it.
Expand. Open where you are tight, slowly, and strengthen where you are weak, mindfully, deliberately. Breathe.
Contact, engage bhandas.
Expand. Do your favorite postures, but devote yourself to the ones you hate and are hard. You need those the most.
If you keep going you will adjust, patterns will shift in your psyche.
Apply what you learn. Change habits.
Do different postures.
”Imitation is suicide.” Read Emerson’s Self-Reluance Essay.
Become your own guiding star.
Educate yourself. Apply information, study, memorize...you know, all the things teacher made you do in school. You’re the teacher now.
Train your mind, follow with body observation. Listen. Adjust.
Learn from different schools and teachers. Especially conflicting ideas.
Be open to understanding. Let go of dogma. Do everything they say not to. Keep what proves true. Do everything they say to, let go of false beliefs, fears taught like truth, remember real yoga (mind working with body) is healing. Always, but you must understand how to apply information. This is wisdom.
Devote yourself to your favorites. Integrate.
Create a truth representing your journey. There’s no conflict. All of it is you. You made it that way. 🙌
Go back to the beginning.
Wheres the beginning?
Where you began.
Before the circle stories and the glitches. Let go to a time before they were.
Observe wide eyed.
Then say nothing.
Go to lodge. Say nothing.
Go to yoga. Say nothing.
Sit in circle. Share nothing.
Cut your hair. Take your jewelry off. Wear plain clothes.
Zonia, why did you cut your hair? The deep answer to a deep question, I thought native people only cut their hair when someone dies.
The Mexico answer.
Zonia! We love your new look.
Shake my head laugh smile. Start over again.
Prefer the Mexico answer.
Go to lodge.
Zonia, sing and speak my friend says, if you keep your wisdom inside it will rot.
Go to lodge.
Sing. Be led. Celebrate but say little. Watch. The young who once sat are teaching now. In the years of my traveling they are now family with farm and new baby.
A new baby in the family is coming. My brother does the grandpa dance.
Start over with her.
Everything is new.
Graduate phases in life.
Real friends grow with you and no matter your costume, occupation or calling you will always be the same.
Sit Shabot. Love family. Put them first.
Was I very serious when I met you?
Yes, but you were always you.
Go to Esalen.
Make peace have self-compassion.
Go to lodge, say nothing except to ask for silence to hear the steam, the ocean, the river flowing where thermal waters meet.
Dance. Paint. Run in the rain.Feel happy inside.
The real lodge is earth. The elements are with us no matter the practice. They live inside our bodies and next to us.
Outgrow the container.
Go to El Paso. Dance. Sing. Embrace. Laugh.
Go to Mexico. Dance. Sing. Laugh. Work much less. Love the community. Spend time with friends. Change season.
In between imagine the next yes moment that will define a thriving beginning filled with love and happiness.
Wear costumes for fun.
Dance at midnight alone in the dark of the temple hall.
Heal my spine.
Remember home, before traveling in the years of teaching. Remember community.
Go back to the beginning.
Wherever that is.
Birth it inside silently but live fully.
Healer, Spiritual Advisor, Yogini, Mentor