There is a time in every woman’s life when she realizes that we are all in the state of realizing oh ha ha I’m not separate in my experience of baring my soul and all my insecurities in order to liberate other women of the shame they feel for being ashamed of their bodies feelings experiences or thoughts.
If we are lucky we find women who look for the beauty in others instead of deconstructing other beauties for the purpose of comparison and lessening feelings of personal insecurity. If we are lucky we find those who praise women. If we are happy we are the one praising women.
When I taught high school we participated in a program entitled Challenge Day, the original “me too” campaign of dissolving barriers to being happy and letting go of our belief that somehow it’s ok to curl up in a ball and contract into the pain we "OWN", more aptly, because it is shared, "OUR" collective pain. Personally, I would rather not.
The question I want to answer is: HOW do we get to a place of healed, as in our soul observer comes into our experience and acknowledges that fucked up shit happens to these bodies and it affects the membrane that exists between bones and skin. AND HEAL MORE QUICKLY rather than allowing the pain of it to constrict around us like a sausage squeezing, contracting us and the whole body contracts around that ONE spot, ONE space in time, like a black hole so that our galaxy and universe is collapsing in on that SINGULAR experience. Really do we want to define our lives by our pain suffering and manifesting it in the mind or the body. We have choices to make.
At the still point where our soul hovers in observation we have a question we need to answer: How to explain that situation and remain in love, in trust, in peace?
A schism or separation may occur at that point the soul continuing to ruminate with its sole experience of love with “How the fuck do you explain this. God! Hey!” Fist in the air shaking it skyward, “fuck you for not loving me!”
The experience of the body experiencing our contraction around that still point of “God, why didn't you love me enough to make everything perfect? Why didn’t you love me enough so that I never felt pain sorrow sickness aging death? God? WHY?”
Its the ultimate question: Does God Source energy creation spirit lack love and interest? In turn we feel an empty void where we feel it should exist?
Fill that space with longing separation or with intoxicating breath. Fill it with energy give it motion. Choose the feeling that pulls you forward call it e-motion. Free yourself from body shame.
My legs aren’t long enough, I’ll wear heals. My breasts aren’t big enough I’ll have surgery. My hair is grey my skin has wrinkles stretch marks oh dear god my thighs jiggle and when I bend forward my belly rolls.
Crazy monkeys. It’s normal those weird thoughts stop fearing them Otherwise in the cover up we sound like this:
Hi, how are you?
Everything normal here.
Yup me, too.
Silence whirling dervish around all the stream of consciousness things that we wish we could say out loud but are afraid for people to know for fear of being different and so we never learn all the ways we are the same. It’s called self imposed isolation through fear of insecurities and strangely enough hiding our insecurities well haha it makes others insecure. So you mastered looking like you’ve got it all figured out? Awesome! Now there people who are honest are going oh shit they figured it out what’s wrong with me why can’t I when in actuality none of us know anything for sure except that everything is so uncertain and yup looking back I’ve taught myself a hell of a lot I wish I could know at 20 but know now at 40 which at 50 I’m sure I’ll laugh at myself and by 70 well I hope I’m just staring at birds and my hands like my grandma until then...
Silly monkeys. Live out loud.
Think of a world Terets syndrome think Jim Carrey liar liar and those awkward silent moments become....I suffer from depression. Hand over mouth eyes wide did I say that out loud.
I need friends.
I’m socially awkward. Just so you know I’m super anxious...incidentals the opening line for me and my sweet friend to speak openly.
Will you hold my hand?
I’m smiling but really I’m scared.
Do I look fat?
Hey you’re fat. I told my
mom that once because I love her she was 50 pounds overweight.
I am? Oh! Haha I didn’t notice so she went to the gym and looks amazing!
Sometimes we look down and see, oh shit, I went from Sunday donut and coffee to one everyday I’m caught in a loop of too much of a good thing and maybe I’ll make that only special days when after a thirty day cleanse and I see how I feel and thank you I might just have this body type. As in can’t be changed I tried so instead of wishing I were taller blonder smarter funnier I started looking inside and asking what am I!?
Put on a new hat, am I good at writing? Painting drawing singing walking talking listening?
It’s called self-development also described as self-creation self love. As in I love my self when I lose myself in...
Get lost in the swirl get lost in the color in the smell in the texture. Bring life to your dance and feel strong fluid in your body. Have you ever seen someone immersed a special light bathes them they are inspired taken...
And suddenly you are Snoopy doing the Christmas dance because you are at ease with yourself.
Do a water ritual:
You put on sparkles exfoliate your skin stimulating the lymph system take baths in which you put gerbera daisies and marigolds add aromatherapy lily violet cedar frankincense vetiver. You clean your toes your foot your ankle your knee your thigh your buttocks your belly your sternum your collar bone your neck your face your scalp the back of your neck your shoulders you use Castile coconut soap a little coconut oil add sea salt maybe lemon and take your time. You love the skin you are in. It’s your miraculous body covered in organ that breathes contact with air that surround you. Breathe deep you now have this air inside you exhale the essence moistens the air like fog on a mirror the moisture of your lungs merges molecules with the oxygen you breathe together sky space water and you inhale a tree exhales you exhale a tree inhales and both bathe in sunlight hold a limb’s hand hold your own. Tell yourself you will be ok and ask
”Self what would you like to do?”
And then LIVE FORWARD THIS DAY from your feet, from your heart, from your dreams.
If I could reach a hand at 42 back to my 27 year old self I’d say, “Self, it’s ok. I’m sorry that happened to you but I want you to know you are loved and I want you to look forward from this day into the FUTURE. I want you to follow the laughter coming from inside your body. I want you to think of an experience that would make you the happiest person on earth and make it happen for yourself so that you know what it is to be gifted THIS DAY this reference point forward about why life is worth living to the fullest fearlessly BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE LIFE. Dream outside yourself. Know the world is bigger than our one experience. Talk to people. Realize life will go in the direction of our heart's choice to be happy despite what has happened and then dance.
Twirl and whirl and leap! Bare your belly. Walk around your house NAKED. Take care of your hair and skin and feet. Go outside. Appreciate squirrels, even if the little bastard ate all the plants (Think squirrels with light sabers. Total garden annihilation! AGH....the tragedy! Thank God other people are farmers!)and since when did squirrels eat plants? Nuts! The pictures always show nuts ha ha and then remember nothing is as it seems don’t assume to know what another person is thinking or feeling.
Ask a good terrifying question get the answer straight from the surprised heart.
Have you ever experienced sexual trauma abuse?
Have you ever ever been in terrible pain and suffered to move your body?
Have you ever felt so alone you prayed for death because the pain of isolation and body made you feel like life was cold and not worth living?
Have you ever been so ashamed of your body that you cried in front of dressing room mirrors and refused to show your belly butt or thighs because you felt ashamed?
Have you ever smiled wide eyed and said yes to something that it ended up was really a definitive NO and then felt dominated abused or manipulated for not speaking your truth?
Have you ever spoken your truth in hard words at obscene levels wide strained neck muscles and practically spat hostilities cutting remarks and emasculating controlling nitpicking behavior until you broke the power of a loved one over your own heart and reclaimed your autonomy freedom and power feeling vindicated justified and righteous?
Now what? A new “me too?!” Please!!!
The point is yes. I have been through and done so much. I have forgiven and been forgiven at levels that don't require any other audience than the Creator God and those to whom I have bared my soul.
I no longer identify emotionally with that Self. It’s been a long while.
I love that little me. I empathize with her so much that I have held her past crying into that calm ease safety of...lo siento. I feel for you with so much love. Here. I love you. I love you. It's ok. It's ok.
It’s why I feel for people but also remember, I went through a lot but life changing events allowed me to rebirth mother myself and have different experiences, now happy ones.
Bitches victims housewives mothers sisters friends unite not in victim mentality but in the creation of a community of women who survived who broke through who enjoy every moment of this life.
Once we realize that we aren’t alone then we can move on from there and say in a creation soul retrieval loving way to the terets blurp! Yeah, this is what I’m actually thinking. And for God's sake stop attacking people. Please. Be Kind.
We are women connected to the earth mother we move with moons tides and pulls. we feel all of it and at least once a month we pour buckets of tears despair sensitivity so then be real, say what you are feeling we’ve all been there or will be at one time or another.
I’m on my period going through menopause I’m getting old I feel sad I need a hug and don’t talk to me I think the whole world is dying that human beings are disgusting creatures with no regard for life planet or spirit. I think everything is sad really difficult and hard to understand I feel confused angry hopeless and unable to affect change. I feel overwhelmed by all the pain and suffering but for some reason I can’t stop feeding my brain on it. The images overwhelm me. The feelings of those images is so deep in my heart that I have to cry for the earth humanity all the victims the perpetrators the criminals the politicians. I have to wonder what planet they come from because none of this makes sense if we all die from pollution so why are we here at all?
If you need to, cry from your deepest wound give your blood to the earth honor those who have died before us but somehow got through. Honor those who’s bodies came through but not their souls and then listen.
People come in to see me and suddenly it all pours out in tears and why do I want to tell you everything and hope the thing I really want isn’t said because I’m afraid to hope that miracles are possible.
So, there's this guy, John of God. He lives in Brazil and believes in miracles. My teacher Maria Lucia Bittencourt, who has since died, used to tell stories of miracles that happened there. She asked what we all wanted. I remembered saying I wish to stand for beauty in a dying world. Evidence that happiness and joy are possible.
Then she asked us to write on a paper everything we wished to give away. I wrote everything I loved down on a paper and handed it to Maria Lucia and said miracles would happen to ensure us what we asked to leave would leave and what would we put back?
I put everything I loved.
It's years later, right now this moment, and I’m just remembering that happened.
Why'd I write I wanted to lose everything I loved then regain it and what has been the result of that request? The things I have loved have stayed and the things I have loved have gone. Just like that.
Love comes, love goes.
I love this sunset wow breathe oooo I love that stretch of beach ha ha Om lived in that tree with a ladder it’s still there pretty epic. The story of Om the story of Mar de Jade the story of life. Its all changing and at somepoint, the ladder hanging there will be part of a mythology and all of us who know the account will be gone.
Ask how it all happened. It? Life. No one knows for sure. It births out of intention, out of idea, out of SOLUTION ORIENTED THINKING. It came out of starting a thing and trust.
It all happens one decision one moment at a time. My beautiful Nia friend asked the question, what would happen if only what you loved today arose tomorrow?
This little Mexican village is filled with writers artists musicians happy smiling people. It’s on the ocean and I get to teach yoga do Massage and write blogs at my friends coffee shop in the beach so I think 🤔um... hand touching myself in space pat pat yep 👍 phew! I made it I’m all here but damn that was scary I thought I was getting lost along the way but really it’s all just getting started life is ahead of me not behind and I am zooming forward with intensity focused on the higher vision of life as a miracle so worth living and so glad to have this experience where the jungle meets the sea and magic actually happens. It does truly happen...magic.
Magic. Trust unfolding. Creation. Take risks take chances hit a block ask how to go around what’s the different direction? what’s the next step? Take one step at a time.
Zonia, how did you you end up here? An invitation. The word yes. Timing. Alignment. Agreement. Mutuality. Love. Gratitude. So much appreciation for life.
ha ha like a water tunnel through space wormholes in the continuance spiral rocks ancient Huichotl village and a little spa up in a tree house tower sound of ocean waves drifting you to sleep.
Yup, cardamom was the secret ingredient. I put it in a salve if arnica and put sparkles in there to lighten things up bring out the colors flowing from my rainbow wand hands Buddha essence renewed Nia retreat blew my mind.
Yeah. Best decision I’ve made all year. To show up here where love is in charge of everything and the container is Earth.
Accept your blessings
Mostly, though,blessings let them out weigh the bad. Bless yourself. Bless those who came before you. Bless those who will come after.
As in the scales are tipped in your favor. Today is going to be an amazing miraculous day look for it. All your dreams are coming true in the kaleidoscope of your life.
Today is day one of wellness retreat in magnificent Mexico style I arrive late not knowing I’m teaching my morning class. Hair everywhere sand in my toes and begin. Breathe bhanda exercises to rejuvenate spinal fluid.
Now, how to grow bone and cartilage? That’s something to manifest. Think wonderful thoughts.
I wonder if it’s, beings from other dimensions here with us waiting for permission to help, possible and then settle into my simple prayer about leaving he past behind, streaming into future.
Because if miracles are possible, then I’d manifest people being well, belief in healing inter-dimensional being like the ones John of God described as performing spiritual surgery X-rays showing incisions and spiritual staples where the physical body has not been touched.
Is that possible? I'm willing to believe in miracles and also to make peace that bodies are mortal and they degenerate. Sometimes hair falls out stretch marks wrinkles tell the story of our face.
I remember close talking with with my mom as she passed into fifty lifting her forehead to remove wrinkles. I remember touching her face I remember telling her I can remember every smile that created a crease and we laugh because the same smile sits on my face and will create the same ventriloquist dummy chin my grandfather drooled from and now my mom does too.
What fate am I streaming towards?
Experience and by now I’m over 30 years from molestation it no longer defines me nor the moment in college when I broke down crying silently in a stall when during swimming class I had a hard time being naked in the showers.
That’s not even close to nude beach Maui Nevada City skinny dipping hot springs love making me. Free in this skin I am...A little yoda there.
Life has sprung forward and always I’ve forced myself to do something fear inspiring like be honest with first myself then others.
Zonia, people have been raped murdered killed.
Yes, I know, I say empathetic heart and face retaining still my center.
No, you don’t understand, people have had cancer.
I do UNDERSTAND. Then why aren’t you sobbing yelling?
But I have. I’ve done both.
I realized something though, I don’t know what to do about it. It being the pain and suffering in the world but I know how to love people. I know how to hug people I know how to look everyday for evidence that good is and good does.
I learned how to hear people say I’m lonely and hold their hand. I’ve learned how to tell strange stories and I have learned how to appreciated that none of us has figured anything out and that it’s ok.
The right people will come into our lives. Our life stories matter keep living them.
I remember the first time I met this amazing group of dancing women and my hair was turning grey and I looked around the swirling room and there were these amazingly beautiful silver haired women dancing smiling and I thought wow if I look like that in 20 years it’s ok and I fell in love.
I remember seeing their their smiles as they immersed their self creating developing enjoying selves into the dance and thinking they have no cares in the world and then realizing one by one as they passed through my room that we all have cares.
And I loved them more for helping me know what we all really need to know is, we aren’t alone and, if we aren’t alone, we are going to be ok. Keep looking around. Keep meeting eye to eye. Put the Goddamn phones down, close the screen, I mean really look around.
Say to someone:
You're ok. You are going to make it.
Be a comforting hand, a hug, a smile. We can’t change the past but what we can let love arise in the future. WE CAN LET LOVE ARISE IN THE FUTURE. Miracles can spring from silent voids.
Women can love each other whole bright shiny speak words of appreciation. MEN CAN TOO. Let them. Let us all heal. Stop villanizing and stop being the villain. You know. As in just right now.
Let go. Look for the good. Let each other know that thing that special thing you do it’s working. It helps.
I’m not alone none of us are.
There are other beings assisting us. I know this to be true. I’ve heard tales, I have tales to tell. Miracles are true, we can manifest one today with beauty in female form sparkly shiny faces immersed in that which makes us beautiful strong courageous loyal devoted. We envision the future. we see ourselves healed and start living today as if it were true now.
Happy. Loved. Loving.
Tell the story forward from today:
I’m sitting on a spiral staircase under the trees and the starlit sky approaching new moon to the sound of waves and crickets.
I have no destination in this writing, just words phrases ideas...one is...well...no...actually...
There are waves and crickets, smells of earth damp from humidity and the resort is quiet this night. Tomorrow is yoga for the class, tonight is yoga just for me.
I gave over 45 massages this week to women who each change my life more than hands can convey and it’s quiet now. I didn’t even go to the spa today just reading CS Lewis, hanging with two young little ones, my friend, a puppy and a cat. Climbed rocks swung in a hammock and discussed the truth of sweat lodges the gap between people and my hope that things miraculously change.
Sometimes they do, sometimes we just accept things the way they are and realize
Is this pacifism?
The best things that have happened in my life, chance meetings and invitations, I did nothing but say yes. Maybe it can be easier the quieter we get.
I give thought to the idea many times that everything in the universe rotates upon axis and celestial bodies tango mathematically precise.
Why are human the only ones who struggle to do what is right, as in head in the direction of heaven?
Not as in another place but HERE IN OUR MINDS.
Not as in hell isn’t here in earth but that maybe just maybe we can harness the power of the dream of the prayer of the universe of other beings and in the very least find moments of peace music journey dance rhythm fire beaches here and now and PRAY.
Pray for miracles because one miracle will help one person believe who will touch others to believe and hope gives us future and future begins with dreams.