It started this week after weeks of meandering back in time to where I came from both spirit and ancestral, the deconstruction period back to the original seed I am supposed to carry forward. Having retrieved the seed, I knew the next phase was following the trail back to my little self, I call her Zoniacita, and helping her bloom the seed.
I prayed with tenderness and humor, "Please, God, teach me how to open and heal my cora-zonicita. I just want her to feel whatever she needs to in order to be authentically happy again. I identify my recurring pattern and do now heal the glitch in my brain that is circling over and over again and giving me a mental disease. Treat me like I am dumb, Creator, and make it really simple to see and understand....because right now, I think I might be retarded."
Truth was...that lost in the roles I live day in and day out...I hadn't done the one thing I really needed to do. Cry...It reminded me of the scene in Always with Richard Dreyfuss and Holly Hunter. She goes by a river...one scene shows her balling her eyes out alone. The next clip she is happy and smiling. No one knew but her. It is cathartic and waters flowing are life cleansing the heart.
Anyways, I cried...a lot...it was pathetic. I even laughed at myself a bit.
Side effects of crying a lot where people see you...fear.
My parents got upset...
I told them people pay me to cry with them...did you know it is so hard to find a place to cry in the world that people have to pay for it? If this is my home...please let me cry. I am not broken. All tears aren't sadness and they aren't a sign of weakness. My tenderness is my greatest strength.
Hold your space. Don't commiserate. Just let me heal myself whole and put all my pieces together because it has been so long since I had the time and room to do it.
When I hold space for people. I reflect to them that I know they are strong. I reflect to them they will receive whatever they need. I reflect to them that no matter where they have to go, I will remember them happy. And magic happens they let themselves feel into their own answers and divine connections.
So, my parents let me. They let go of the control. They let go and so did I. They stopped seeing me as broken and I stopped having to act like feelings are a tragic flaw.
I breathed into my heart cords...all of them...felt all the joys, sorrows and sadnesses and pains and laughter and losses and longing and came back to the one thing that mattered....the love. I wanted to keep my connections to those people and places in times when they were the healthiest. No matter the outcome. My focus became the dream and my emotion all gratitude for the many experiences I have imprinted upon my soul...
And then there was the biggest cord of all...the one I heard voices telling me to breathe into as if my life depended on it...because it did. So I took it seriously and took my deepest breaths day after day into the spot on my chest where my hands rested in peace and I realized the cord was to myself.
The first thought I had was...I like tatoos. I laughed when I started with that one. My parents hate tatoos. I grew up with them pointing at tatooed kids and saying, "Bah...look at that...." And I did. But with my own eyes...with my ears I heard..."Wow...look at that :)"
It was the best moment of the week, the differentiation phase and the re-experiencing of my individuality. It started me laughing. I kept repeating it...I like tatoos.
I dyed my hair...Thank God it washes out...I don't like it...but...I did it because I wanted to and I remembered the many phases I went through growing up...red streaks, bleached bangs.
I woke up this morning..."I'm a rock star." Not only was my hair black, I was aware of my tatoos and realizing that I had a once in a blue moon hangover. Very funny, Zonia. I giggled. Wow...I haven't done that since my 20's and of all places at an Opera fund raiser that was anything but proper with 4 twenty somethings and a couple of 40-50 somethings...all together laughing...It was so fun. They all had known each other for so long no topic was off limits, feeling intrinsically loved and accepted they giggled at their foibles and as I got folded into my unlikely tribe of artists and musicians, I blossomed.
I love artists and musicians...they get the medicine ways. Live from your heart. Of course you live that free way...I play violin for a living...Isn't it cool to do what you love?
Yeah. It's cool. I get to teach yoga and do massage all over. I get to plant seeds and visit my family all around the world. I get to spend most of the day praying and practicing...and I always get to say yes when people need someone to talk to...lunch at the park...yes, please...and by the way...thank you...I needed that too.
People ask me what I am going to do when I grow up...I am grown up, that's why I do what I want and, by the way, this is what I do...and for the last time you got sick and I did it for you....you are welcome.
And most importantly...to myself...Its nice to see you again, not in your roles or your practice...but in your heart. And yes, self...I apologize for trying to change you. You are perfect exactly as you are. I promise to stay close to you...because the closer I am to you...the closer I am to God.
And God, thank you for all my lessons. Thank you for everything I was asked to give up and sit in a room by myself with no distractions for the past two months praying and doing yoga to look at myself and take responsibility for the ways I had to come back into alignment with my center in order to gain my fluidity...kinda like doing yoga on my friend's pirate ship in Sausalito...but only in life...like living from the still center, but dancing with the flow...
Thank you God for my cousins, nephews, brother, parents, and friends....for taking me to do things I would never have chosen to do myself. Turns out I can shoot a bull's eye with a pistol...just call me Annie Oakley and with ear plugs...I don't mind screamo that much....I also like throwing a baseball.
Thank you for all the crazy radio stations I have been browsing. Interesting to note, I have just realized I I actually like Christian Rock, Rap and Techno, and Spanish ballads and...yes, those genres have really awful renditions...so bad they are funny.
Thank you for integrating me whole so that I realize I am complete. That I like my company and that love is everywhere....partnership can wait...I am falling in love with myself again.
Self, in practice of loving my next partner as a whole integrated self-directed connected to God soulful being, I allow myself to treat me with the same kind of respect I should give another being. I give myself the space to unfold, blossom and become everyday. I don't judge myself, I forgive myself, and I trust my desires will be in right relation to the direction of Source energy, Mother Earth, and the Medicine of my Heart.
I am not just a healer, I am also healing and I can take my own medicine. Right now, the medicine I need for balance is to love myself and remember who little "I am" is. I am sure that along the road I will also need the medicine of "collective it isn't all about me" too, so I will remember to take my medicine then too. For now, I practice this..."whatever the hell I damn want"...medicine.
I give myself permission to listen to my body and eat whatever I want and sometimes not eat at all...because I trust myself and know that I love to be healthy...I am not going to make a bad choice. I give myself permission to go outside barefoot and get dirt all over me because I like it....and if I don't want to take a shower everyday...I won't. And if a totally dorky dance song comes on that makes me happy, I am going to turn it up and dance in the car in traffic because the today when I did it...the people in the cars around me got happy and laughed, waving at me and saying, "It's nice to see someone happy."
Yeah! Because I like the way it feels. I don't need to change. I am as perfect today as the day I was born and I was born to do this....it's easy...I was born to be me. Isn't that Lady Gaga? Bless her song writing soul...so true.